Love Rants

“Love Me Please”

2010-11-19T10:08:00.000-08:00

That seems to have been my mantra for the past month…ok…fine..… past YEARS. I know. Sad isn’t it?

Maybe I should blame the Disney fairy tales, or the corny Hollywood chick flicks that had my brain filled with all these unrealistic fantasies on how I will live happily ever after with my Mr.RIGHT. Because…

IT’S NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!

Alright, I know there are many other alternate thoughts that I can use to replaces these chains and chains of pessimism like some of my girlfriends. For example:

“It’s OK. Who needs a man anyways. I can take care of myself.”

“PUH-LEEZ! We’re living in the 21^st Century. A woman can live a happy life without relying on love.”

“Men are just going to DRAG YOU DOWN”

“Um… there are toys. Why need men?” – I love this one. LOL

But SERIOUSLY?! These are just thoughts that will lead us to a lonely, lonely, did I mention LONELY?, life.

Call my traditional but I can’t imagine living a life as a SINGLE woman for the rest of my life. Trying not to sound TOO desperate here. All I want is find the man I love, and who loves me too, and build a family together. Is it really THAT hard? And please don’t feed me the It-Will-Happen-When-You-Least-Expect-It bullshit because um, NO. that’s not how it works. Trust me.

[sigh]

But I guess… the only thing that can keep me sane will be:

It’ll happen when it’s time…

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

Wasting Time...?

2010-10-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

image by stoishere.com

Lately, more and more people are starting ask me about my "relationship" with Mr. Angry. Apparently all of my friends consider us dating and was wondering when I'm going to introduce him to everyone.

"We're not dating..." I told them.

Then I wonder... WHAT IS considered "DATING"?

OK... Mr. Angry and I see each other once or twice a week. We do act like a couple in public. We are exclusive. Yes. And we definitely hang out sometimes even if it doesn't involve sex.

Hm... but we DID have "the conversation". You know, the one where I tell him that I don't see him as a boyfriend and am not looking to be in one with him.

It's true. I DON'T.

I like him enough to want to see him regularly. We have together almost everytime we hang out.

BUT there's NO WAY that I can have him in my future because he's SO ANGRY. I can't have someone breaking furnitures and glasses in my face everytime he's upset.

So what are we? What do I do with this?

Are we just ... WASTING TIME?

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

I. HATE. YOU.

2010-10-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

... those are the 3 words that I wanted to scream out so badly during my online conversation with Mr. Dee just a few hours ago.

Image from http://www.zootpatrol.com/

Yes, it's been about 4 months now and YOU THINK I'd be over him. but no. Everything little thing he does matters to me. Every sentence he says to me still causes my stomach to twist and turn like it's on a rollercoaster in my body.

4 months. I still feel bitter about how things ended.

And finally, today, just a few hours ago, I had the chance to tell him.

Every Single Word.

I got to tell him how selfish he was to break up with me just because HE was feeling pressured by his brother and our friends.

I got to tell him how immature he was to drag me "into bed" on our first date and then now tell me he thinks we're moving too fast.

I got to tell him how much I liked him and how cruel he was to end things ON MY BIRTHDAY.

....I also got to tell him how much I still like him.

*sigh*

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

DESTINY...

2010-10-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

...a word that many follow religiously as their Guide to Life.

I don't know what to think about this really. When are the times that you usually hear this word being used?

Usually is after the a tragic lost of such, no?

We wait for months and that limited edition designer purse  we've always wanted finally comes out. But before we can get our hands to it, it was sold out. Devastated, we say, "It's Destiny."

After planning a huge vacation and realized that it has to be cancelled last minute due the weather condistions.  Disappointed, we say, "It's Destiny."

The relationship with the man that we had planned our life around knowing that we will be living the rest of our life with his last name attached to ours ended with a tragic fight. Heart broken, we say, "It's Destiny".

It is an excuse.

It is an escape.

It is a magical word that has the power to somehow induce a little hope in our hollowed heart so that we can feel less sadness, less hopelessness, less pain.

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.

BOY TOY PART 2: MR. Angry

2010-09-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

Photo by abflyer.org

He’s angry.

He’s arrogant.

He’s aggressive.

He’s an Italian man from New Jersey.

He’s sensitive.

He’s scarred.

He’s pessimistic.

He’s an artist that needs companionship but won’t admit it.

Meet Mr. Angry. We met a few months ago when he was searching for a place to move into right after he came from New Jersey. He came in looking for an application, and left the complex with my number.

Definitely not my type, but he’s so mysteriously intriguing that I can’t help but reply his every call and go out on every date he asks for.

I like how he attends to my every need but at the same time makes all the decisions.

I love how he grabs me with his strong arms but gives me the most tender kisses.

I would fall in love with him…

BUT….

He’s a man that screams danger.

A man that shows a dark destructive vibe that’s suppressed behind those beautiful eyes…

A man that carries a loaded gun (with no safety) around him at all times (even in the shower).

A man that has experienced so many horrid events that he refuses to talk about his pass nor will he think about his future.

He wants to love and beloved so much but he constantly says “I’m meant to be alone”.

What’s going to happen to us? That’s a question I ask myself every single day…

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.

!!!~ GIRL CODE VIOLATION ~!!!

2010-09-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

YES. There are rules. I don’t know who set them, but they exist. and NOT to be broken!

And the RULE of ALL RULES – you do NOT date your girls’ exes.

Clarification:

TO DATE means to date DUH!, to flirt, to pursue (making him take the initiative still counts), and/or to have ANY sexual encounters/behaviors

EX(es) includes: ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, ex-fling, ex-crushes…etc.

OK… now I’m making this sound like something REALLY bad happened. I do have exaggeration tendencies. but Trust me. The correlation is there.

Here’s the thing. When I have a crush or hots for someone, I MAKE IT KNOWN. Not necessarily marking my territory… Egh…who am I kidding that’s the ONLY reason why girls do that! So yes… I have marked my territory. Nothing substantial has EVER happened between me and this but I most definitely am working on it!

One of my girlfriends sees the o-so-yummy eye candy, turns to me, and says “You should introduce us.” OFCOURSE I was caught off guard! All I managed to say was “He’s hot isn’t he? Trust me. I’ve been working on it too *hint hint*” And proceeded to the bar as if I had forgotten all about her request. Later on that night I see our other girlfriend spent a good what seems to be the longest 30 minutes trying to hook THEM up! KNOWING that I have a crush on this dude.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

I thought we were tight?!?! Why in hell would you try to hook up one of your girl’s crushes with another girl in the same group?! What am I going to say/do/think now? How the hell am I going to act when we’re all around each other?! What the FUCK where you thinking?! CODE VIOLATION!!!!!!!

Fine. Maybe it’s not as serious as I’m making it sound since he’s just a crush. Not trying to get all "high school drama" about this, but I needed to vent.

But…

NO! Why ON EARTH would you DO THAT to a FRIEND that you CARE FOR?!?! I would NEVER want ANY of my girls to feel this way! So now it’s going to be a race? FUCK THAT. Now what probably going to happen is that I'll back off and not say anything… because I care about a friend more than a dude. And whenever we go out where the three of us are there, I’m going to have that hollow, empty, awkward feeling in my heart.

Maybe THAT’s why I’m single and have became a frequent loser of this Warfare in the Men-Crazed World…

Bisous,

Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

Crush – Fantasize – Fear – Crushed

2010-09-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

…that’s my cycle.

Photo by Aldo Jeffrey

If it is true that all things in life exist in a cycle, then this vicious, ferocious one is mine.

Looking back at all my “love stories”, I realize that I am ~~doomed~~ destined to be alone. NO! it’s not because I’m picky… it’s because…..um…. well… I can’t quite pin point the reason yet but it’s NOT because of that!

I often find myself sequencing though these four horrific stages (sometimes even bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball). And the result is always constant – I end up going home alone to my comfy queen size bed with my 5 comfy pillows.

CRUSHing on someone is on of my expertise. My usual targets are my friends. Bad, Bad choice, I know. Somehow I am most capable in finding charm within men that I already feel close and safe around. I’m a Taurus. Yes.

Then I flirt, and knowing that I’m not all that bad looking and that I am a good and sweet person, they always flirt back. Right then and there, I immediately dive in and become so involve in my imaginary world of love and perfection that somehow I have come to believe in my delirium that he wants me too. I FANTASIZE about how perfect of a couple we will be…in every single way. *cheese*

Reality hits when every part of our “relationship” seems to be clips of different scenes from the movie He’s just not that into you. Forcing me to recognize that WHOA... I’ve been making all this attraction bullshit up this WHOLE TIME! Whether if the guy really does like me or not that is.

Random fact about LP: I am a people pleaser. Always have been, and always will be. So FEARing that our friendship can be ruined if I ever tell them about my feelings, I take a deep breath, hold it in, and try to make sure that the obsession I feel will forever be locked deep inside my body and shall never reveal from within. As all this is happening, by the way, not a soul is noticing this internal chaos of mine because I have a huge smile across my face and am becoming “buddy buddy” with whomever I have this deep crush on.

As I become “the cool chick friend” and one of “the guys”, watching sports, drinking beers, talking about OTHER GIRLS… I am actually crushed, to the very core of my body, heart, and mind.

Don’t worry, I am a cheerful person.

I DO manage to get over it fairly quickly.

I DO manage to mend my broken heart (without them knowing of course);

…and most importantly I DO manage to find charm in another man, and the CYCLE begins again……

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.

My new Personal LIFE Organizer

2010-09-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Call me old school (just not old HAG) but any electronic calendar/organizers just don’t see m to cut it.

I am a Kinesthetic Learner. I NEED to write things down or else I’m never going to remember anything.

I’ve always had a small little pocket calendar with me to track down all my important activities. But C’mon now! Have you SEEN those things?! The boxes are TEEEEEEENY! Can anyone even fit in a full day’s worth of crap in that little 0.5’’ x 0.5” square?!!??!?!

So I went through my old stationery box from high school and AH –HA! The perfect sized Personal Organizer!! I got some re-fills from a local bookstore and TA – DA! Life a good again!

I spent all morning and afternoon yesterday transferring all my dates from Itsy-Bitsy to my NEW personal organizer.

Since then, I just can’t stop smiling... Because I feel like at the age of 26, while I have-
NO control over my bizarre love life;
NO power over my pathetic career condition;
NO manageable influence over my finance situation.

The ONE THING that I HAVE a grasp on and CAN ORGANIZE to a T is this NEW Personal LIFE Organizer.

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

RAIN

2010-09-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

Photo by blog.eveningsun.com

A couple nights ago, I was going through my old note book from college, a note book where I write all my songs/poems. This is what I found:

RAIN

Remember there’s this one Summer Day
Heavy Rain prevented you from walking away.
Under the shelter your shoulder’s touching mine -
“God, hold this moment forever.” I prayed.

Once it began to slowly precipitate,
In a rush you left, and picked up pace.
With all my strength, I breathlessly chased,
but all I got was – “Babe, it’s too late…”

RAIN,
Falling in My Heart.
I’m crying alone, alone in the dark.
Each tear is blending in with each rain drop.
Oh please make it stop!

OH RAIN,
still Falling in My Heart.
My will, My power merging with my painful parts
are Eroding away…

Bisous,Lady PapillonReal Love. Real Rants.

To all who are affected by the San Bruno Fire...

2010-09-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

...my prayers and wishes go to all of you.

Picture from local blogger, Kevin Chu's, blog on blogs.sun.com

Today I would like to take time AWAY from my own little world and urge everyone to keep the victims of the San Bruno Fire in mind.

A tragic accident happened last night in San Bruno, CA where a 24-inch gas pipe exploded and destroyed 38 homes and killed 6 lives so far.

First of all... please do everything you can do help. Right now they are IN NEED of blood donation. If you are in the area and would like to help, please contact the nearest Red Cross for more information.

I love the Bay Area because it's filled with love and care. I am very proud of the Bay today because when I turned on my computer, the first thing I read wasn't the amount of casualties there are, it is that the number of volunteers at the San Bruno Shelter OUT NUMBERS the evacuees! Isn't that great?

Stuck behind my desk at work today, all I can do is get more information about spots that are collecting donations so I can do my part tomorrow.

I hope all of you, close to San Bruno or not, can keep them in your prayers and wishes too.

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

Random Rant: A Dear Dee Moment

2010-09-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dear D.,

What happened to us?

We met. 

You couldn't keep your eyes and hands off of me. Our eyes locked. Our bodies entwined. Our heart beats synchronized to the base of the music.

We talked.

Endless silly conversations over the phone. My phone would be blown up every day through text and facebook notifications. All with your name on it.

We played.

Countless nights of you and I both shutting our phones off and just laying in your not so comfortable bed, watching your not so interesting tv shows but still I had a huge smile across my face because I was in your arms. You always made sure that my head was rested perfectly on you so I'd be comfy. And ofcourse... sex was a-maz-ing!

Couple months passed... the talking, the texting, the playing... STOPPED...

I miss us. I miss being in  your arms. I miss pretending to laugh at that stupid tv show you watch. I miss your kisses.

Never thought that the butterflies you gave me was so rare. Never understood how in such short period you made me like you so much. Never agreed to how things ended.

Never will WE happen again...........

Bisous,

LP

DEPRESSION: A SELF DIAGNOSED ILLNESS...

2010-09-07T07:30:00.000-07:00

...Does that even exist?

I'm starting to notice that more and more people are being "diagnosed" with depression. Or so that's what I hear. Source? Internet..... MAYBE some by some psychiatrist but mostly by "shrink.com" (i made that up... does that site exist?! )

Well... I'm not trying to talk shit about these people... because I for sure do the same. But it is becoming more common that the general public is becoming more or more prone to "depression". To me, this is not an illness of theirs.

It's an excuse.

My friends, my sources, are starting to tell me that I think too much about whether or not I'm single and that I should just roll with the punches and when I least expect it... it'll happen.

Bullshit! That's a load of crap!

How many times have you heard someone tell you that? Ok, now think when was the first time you heard that........YEA.... YEARS AGO RIGHT?!

Thus.... it's BULLSHIT! (sorry... still working on some anger issue here. =P)

I moved back from Hong Kong because I knew that had I stay there I'll NEVER find a guy. Yea. I didn't even get laid that whole entire year. Anything over the internet does not count! But the Bay hasn't been doing me any good either. I mean... granted that I'm having a MARVELOUS sex life (I'll save the stories for another day) and I've on and off dated a few guys, but egh... I'm still ALONE. it's NOT a good feeling.

And the more I think about it... the more I start constructing a list of my flaws. and trust me... if you haven't already done that -

DO NOT DO IT! 

It's just going to cause your "depression" to spiral out of control and give you a Perma-Frown.

Some people may use "I-am-depressed" as their free pass to many wrongful doings... but I'm going to use it as an energy boost! 

So here's what I prescribed myself:

Love Rants.

Here I will be able to bitch my sorrows away and hopefully through this I will find the best remedies to my problems.

I am determined to stay optmistic and I know that ONE DAY when i LEAST EXPECT IT --- I'll find my ONE...

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.

Dumb Woman....

2010-09-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

....That's what I am. A VERY dumb woman.

 When it ended, why did I front the everything's-gonna-be-okay act?

When it ended, why didn't I just let out all my frustrations and give him a ear full?

When it ended, why did I smile and agree to the "friendship" that I never wanted?

And today, why did I decide to join his birthday function with all his friends KNOWING that this awesome day I had will never be an actual part of my life. 

As we hugged goodbye he says, "I truly appreciated you coming today. It meant a lot to me."  OH man... for some reason..... that just felt like either a hard slap on the face... or a deep stab at the heart. I know we're never going to be as close as we were.....

The whole drive home.... I felt like we had just broken up.... all over again.... 

Why did I do that to myself? 

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.  

BOY TOY PART 1: MR. Dee

2010-09-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

A little history about the boy/man toys that your girl LP here has/had (It's all relative...lol). I tend to talk about myself as a third person alot... it annoys my friends. oh wells. i like it.

Today we'll be talking about one of the hottest guy I have EVER laid my eyes...hands....mouth..................on. OH LALA! not even a sentence in and I'm feeling the heat RRrrrrRRrRising! Unfortunately things ended a couple months ago but MAN AM I STILL BITTER ABOUT THAT!

Profile

Name: Mr. Dee
Sex: GRRRREEEEAAATTTTT!!!!
Age: 23 (oh yea... that was another problem..... he was a boy....)
Sign: Virgo
How we met: At a club (no i don't usually meet guys at the club. but he was HOT.)
How we ended: He freaked out & bailed.
Duration of "relationship": 2 months
**Note - Dude in the pic is not him. I think Dee actually looks better WITH a hotter body.
but ofcourse i can't post HIS picture up right?....

Dee was a good man to hang out with. was Very good to look at. and ofcourse GREAT in bed. (Don't worry ladies. A post about our sex will for SURE be on here soon.) This was why although things ended I still decided to dedicate a post to him because yes. it was worth it. OR deep down inside I'm still hoping things will happen again.... C'mon! Hot. Smart. Passionate. Respectful. Kindhearted. Gd in Bed. Doesn't do any drugs. Doesn't smoke. You don't come across much of those anymore!

Thing were going great. We met, started talking a alot, went on dates... and then we found out we had a shit ton of mutual friends. Better yet, I found out that he's one of my college bud's BABY BROTHER! no... not the little kid that followed us around when we were in school... the YOUNGEST brother! The one that wasn't ALLOWED to go out. I can just hear the word "Cougar!!!" ringing in my head right now. Despite the age difference we were pretty good. We clicked well, liked similar things, though at times this little fobby asian (translation: Fresh of the Boat)had MAJOR problem understanding his "urban lingo"! Anyways, we wanted to take it slow (Um...we did sleep together on our first date....) and see how thing's will work out. As time passed...slowly but surely, friends started to know about us and suddenly the "taking it slow" shifted a few gears up and THAT's when the steadiness we wanted was out the window. Especially when my dumb ass transformed myself into a walking bottle of Patron on my birthday and ended up crying about how he didn't spend time with me after we had ALREADY talked about how he had prior engagements and will re-celebrate with me later that week. ARGGGGHHH. After that night, shit hit the fan and he started THINKING ABOUT THINGS. (NEVER MAKE UR MAN THINK!!!!!) His brother gave him a huge "BIG BROTHER LECTURE" that night for making me cry. One of his middle school best friend a.k.a. my current girlfriend bitched him out for making me cry. He came to the conclusion that he's looking for something chill and although he was having alot of fun with me, the fact that we have so many mutual friends gave him too much pressure and he can't deal with it. So he thought we best "stay friends".

"So you're telling me that you think I'm cute and awesome as hell. You really like me. But just because YOUR friends are giving YOU lectures about how you should not fuck up you're going to end this?! What kinda whack logic is that? Are you fucking kidding me? That's not fair to me at all!!!!! I didn't do ANYTHING! You're the one who asked me out. You're the one who started everything. FINALLY when I'm giving this a chance, you're calling it quits?!" - That were all the words I was able to squeeze outta me before I started crying my eyes out. And that was the end of our conversation: that marked the end of our "relationship".

Right now, we're still "friends"... in fact I'm going to his birthday BBQ in a few days. And don't you worry, I'm going to make sure I look so cute that he's going to regret everything that happened. Dam... chicks are evil...=P

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

DATE REAL FEST

2010-09-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

One of the first things you're going to notice about me is I am crazy about food! Before diving into Love Rants, I was seriously considering blogging about food.

Men or Food? MEN? .... or FOOD?! 

.... dam... that's a very hard decision to make. LOL but I guess you all know what I chose.

Last weekend was one of my FAVORITE WEEKENDS of the year as a Bay Area Food Lover. I was at Jack London Square's EAT REAL FEST! It's an annual 2.5 day celebration of great food from all over the bay area. From Primo's Parrilla's - Grassed Rib Eye Steak (YUMMMMOOOO!!!!) to Kara Cupcake's - Sweet Vanilla Cupcake (DEEEEELLLIIIIISSSHHHHH!!!!!). All dishes were set at $5 or under. And my goal on the first day was to try as many new food as possible and the second day I can go back to have MORE of what I liked on the first day!  

OH MAN! (.... a HORRIBLE but GENIUS thought just crossed my mind...)

Wouldn't it be great if there was a DATE REAL FEST???

Hear me out. This is a festival where all men can be categorized and stationed in different sections, then for three days straight, women from all over the bay can come and have a 5 minute date with whomever they desire! Meaning you can experience a date with The Ultimate Bad Boys Club's rugged sexy Sawyer (from LOST) to Quad of the Geek's Doc (from Back to the Future) on the same day!

NO. It is not like speed dating. MAYBE similar concept....but better. It's like a giant expo of types of men for women to "experience" (get your mind outta the gutter!) to see what best suits them!

CLARIFICATION - the purpose of the DATE REAL FEST is not to hook people up. it is to help single ladies better understand what type of guys are suitable for them. Come on now. Afterall I know you all agree that having to LEARN FROM EXPERIENCE can be way to harsh and time consuming for some of us. Non?

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

There's always a FIRST!

2010-09-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

So originially I typed this for my "about me" section... but then realized that the whole thing actually shows on the little skinny column to the left of your screen... which makes it REALLY ugly... so... i'm going to use this as my first blog. YAY!!!!

ABOUT ME - LADY PAPILLON

Struggling between two personalities: A girl dreams of Prince Charming VS The BITCH that's sick of trying to find "Mr. Right" because all she's getting are Mr. OMFG! R-U-EFFIN-KIDDING-MEs!

HI! This is Lady Papillon. I am a 26 years old who grew up in two vibrant cities from opposite sides of the world: Hong Kong and San Francisco and am now ready to settle down! My friends would say I am funny, smart, kind hearted (sometimes =P), and caring (I really am.) I love to shop. I love sports. I love to cook. I love to clean. And ofcourse, I love sex. But MOST IMPORTANTLY – I say, and now blog, what I think!

Since my “Puppy Love” in 5th grade (DON'T JUDGE!!!) till today, my status on my FB Profile is? SINGLE. (FML!) IS there something wrong with me?! HELL NO! Ladies, don’t even think that! There must be an explanation!
I’m no relationship expert, nor do I have a BS in Psychology. BUT I’m good at analyzing situations. Wait – rephrase: I’m EXCELLENT at passing judgements and giving my two cents. jk

Honestly, I am writing this blog because I know there are many beautiful, smart single ladies around my age out there looking for love and starting to feel defeated as time goes by. And I truthfully hope by sharing these bizarre personal dating experiences (mine and my friends) I can encourage my fellow ladies (and be encouraged) as we all try to find “THE ONE” in this crazy world…

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

Love Rants

“Love Me Please”

Wasting Time...?

I. HATE. YOU.

DESTINY...

BOY TOY PART 2: MR. Angry

!!!~ *GIRL CODE VIOLATION* ~!!!

Crush – Fantasize – Fear – Crushed

My new Personal LIFE Organizer

RAIN

To all who are affected by the San Bruno Fire...

Random Rant: A Dear Dee Moment

DEPRESSION: A SELF DIAGNOSED ILLNESS...

Dumb Woman....

BOY TOY PART 1: MR. Dee

DATE REAL FEST

There's always a FIRST!

!!!~ GIRL CODE VIOLATION ~!!!