“Love Me Please”

Flickr Image by MarfaMo

That seems to have been my mantra for the past month…ok…fine..… past YEARS. I know. Sad isn’t it?

Maybe I should blame the Disney fairy tales, or the corny Hollywood chick flicks that had my brain filled with all these unrealistic fantasies on how I will live happily ever after with my Mr.RIGHT. Because…

IT’S NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!

Alright, I know there are many other alternate thoughts that I can use to replaces these chains and chains of pessimism like some of my girlfriends. For example:

“It’s OK. Who needs a man anyways. I can take care of myself.”

“PUH-LEEZ! We’re living in the 21^st Century. A woman can live a happy life without relying on love.”

“Men are just going to DRAG YOU DOWN”

“Um… there are toys. Why need men?” – I love this one. LOL

But SERIOUSLY?! These are just thoughts that will lead us to a lonely, lonely, did I mention LONELY?, life.

Call my traditional but I can’t imagine living a life as a SINGLE woman for the rest of my life. Trying not to sound TOO desperate here. All I want is find the man I love, and who loves me too, and build a family together. Is it really THAT hard? And please don’t feed me the It-Will-Happen-When-You-Least-Expect-It bullshit because um, NO. that’s not how it works. Trust me.

[sigh]

But I guess… the only thing that can keep me sane will be:

It’ll happen when it’s time…

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

Wasting Time...?

image by stoishere.com

Lately, more and more people are starting ask me about my "relationship" with Mr. Angry. Apparently all of my friends consider us dating and was wondering when I'm going to introduce him to everyone.

"We're not dating..." I told them.

Then I wonder... WHAT IS considered "DATING"?

OK... Mr. Angry and I see each other once or twice a week. We do act like a couple in public. We are exclusive. Yes. And we definitely hang out sometimes even if it doesn't involve sex.

Hm... but we DID have "the conversation". You know, the one where I tell him that I don't see him as a boyfriend and am not looking to be in one with him.

It's true. I DON'T.

I like him enough to want to see him regularly. We have together almost everytime we hang out.

BUT there's NO WAY that I can have him in my future because he's SO ANGRY. I can't have someone breaking furnitures and glasses in my face everytime he's upset.

So what are we? What do I do with this?

Are we just ... WASTING TIME?

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

I. HATE. YOU.

... those are the 3 words that I wanted to scream out so badly during my online conversation with Mr. Dee just a few hours ago.

Image from http://www.zootpatrol.com/

Yes, it's been about 4 months now and YOU THINK I'd be over him. but no. Everything little thing he does matters to me. Every sentence he says to me still causes my stomach to twist and turn like it's on a rollercoaster in my body.

4 months. I still feel bitter about how things ended.

And finally, today, just a few hours ago, I had the chance to tell him.

Every Single Word.

I got to tell him how selfish he was to break up with me just because HE was feeling pressured by his brother and our friends.

I got to tell him how immature he was to drag me "into bed" on our first date and then now tell me he thinks we're moving too fast.

I got to tell him how much I liked him and how cruel he was to end things ON MY BIRTHDAY.

....I also got to tell him how much I still like him.

*sigh*

Bisous,
Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

DESTINY...

...a word that many follow religiously as their Guide to Life.

I don't know what to think about this really. When are the times that you usually hear this word being used?

Usually is after the a tragic lost of such, no?

We wait for months and that limited edition designer purse  we've always wanted finally comes out. But before we can get our hands to it, it was sold out. Devastated, we say, "It's Destiny."

After planning a huge vacation and realized that it has to be cancelled last minute due the weather condistions.  Disappointed, we say, "It's Destiny."

The relationship with the man that we had planned our life around knowing that we will be living the rest of our life with his last name attached to ours ended with a tragic fight. Heart broken, we say, "It's Destiny".

It is an excuse.

It is an escape.

It is a magical word that has the power to somehow induce a little hope in our hollowed heart so that we can feel less sadness, less hopelessness, less pain.

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.

BOY TOY PART 2: MR. Angry

  

Photo by abflyer.org



He’s angry.

He’s arrogant.

He’s aggressive.

He’s an Italian man from New Jersey.

He’s sensitive.

He’s scarred.

He’s pessimistic.

He’s an artist that needs companionship but won’t admit it.

Meet Mr. Angry. We met a few months ago when he was searching for a place to move into right after he came from New Jersey. He came in looking for an application, and left the complex with my number.

Definitely not my type, but he’s so mysteriously intriguing that I can’t help but reply his every call and go out on every date he asks for.

I like how he attends to my every need but at the same time makes all the decisions.

I love how he grabs me with his strong arms but gives me the most tender kisses.

I would fall in love with him…

BUT….

He’s a man that screams danger.

A man that shows a dark destructive vibe that’s suppressed behind those beautiful eyes…

A man that carries a loaded gun (with no safety) around him at all times (even in the shower).

A man that has experienced so many horrid events that he refuses to talk about his pass nor will he think about his future.

He wants to love and beloved so much but he constantly says “I’m meant to be alone”.

What’s going to happen to us? That’s a question I ask myself every single day…

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.

!!!~ *GIRL CODE VIOLATION* ~!!!

YES. There are rules. I don’t know who set them, but they exist. and NOT to be broken!


And the RULE of ALL RULES – you do NOT date your girls’ exes.

Clarification:

TO DATE means to date DUH!, to flirt, to pursue (making him take the initiative still counts), and/or to have ANY sexual encounters/behaviors

EX(es) includes: ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, ex-fling, ex-crushes…etc.

OK… now I’m making this sound like something REALLY bad happened. I do have exaggeration tendencies. but Trust me. The correlation is there.


Here’s the thing. When I have a crush or hots for someone, I MAKE IT KNOWN. Not necessarily marking my territory… Egh…who am I kidding that’s the ONLY reason why girls do that! So yes… I have marked my territory. Nothing substantial has EVER happened between me and this but I most definitely am working on it!

One of my girlfriends sees the o-so-yummy eye candy, turns to me, and says “You should introduce us.” OFCOURSE I was caught off guard! All I managed to say was “He’s hot isn’t he? Trust me. I’ve been working on it too *hint hint*” And proceeded to the bar as if I had forgotten all about her request. Later on that night I see our other girlfriend spent a good what seems to be the longest 30 minutes trying to hook THEM up! KNOWING that I have a crush on this dude.


WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

I thought we were tight?!?! Why in hell would you try to hook up one of your girl’s crushes with another girl in the same group?! What am I going to say/do/think now? How the hell am I going to act when we’re all around each other?! What the FUCK where you thinking?! CODE VIOLATION!!!!!!!

Fine. Maybe it’s not as serious as I’m making it sound since he’s just a crush. Not trying to get all "high school drama" about this, but I needed to vent.

But…

NO! Why ON EARTH would you DO THAT to a FRIEND that you CARE FOR?!?! I would NEVER want ANY of my girls to feel this way! So now it’s going to be a race? FUCK THAT. Now what probably going to happen is that I'll back off and not say anything… because I care about a friend more than a dude. And whenever we go out where the three of us are there, I’m going to have that hollow, empty, awkward feeling in my heart.

Maybe THAT’s why I’m single and have became a frequent loser of this Warfare in the Men-Crazed World…

Bisous,

Lady Papillon
Real Love. Real Rants.

Crush – Fantasize – Fear – Crushed

…that’s my cycle.



Photo by Aldo Jeffrey

 If it is true that all things in life exist in a cycle, then this vicious, ferocious one is mine.

Looking back at all my “love stories”, I realize that I am doomed destined to be alone. NO! it’s not because I’m picky… it’s because…..um…. well… I can’t quite pin point the reason yet but it’s NOT because of that!

I often find myself sequencing though these four horrific stages (sometimes even bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball). And the result is always constant – I end up going home alone to my comfy queen size bed with my 5 comfy pillows.

CRUSHing on someone is on of my expertise. My usual targets are my friends. Bad, Bad choice, I know. Somehow I am most capable in finding charm within men that I already feel close and safe around. I’m a Taurus. Yes.

Then I flirt, and knowing that I’m not all that bad looking and that I am a good and sweet person, they always flirt back. Right then and there, I immediately dive in and become so involve in my imaginary world of love and perfection that somehow I have come to believe in my delirium that he wants me too. I FANTASIZE about how perfect of a couple we will be…in every single way. *cheese*

Reality hits when every part of our “relationship” seems to be clips of different scenes from the movie He’s just not that into you. Forcing me to recognize that WHOA... I’ve been making all this attraction bullshit up this WHOLE TIME! Whether if the guy really does like me or not that is.

Random fact about LP: I am a people pleaser. Always have been, and always will be. So FEARing that our friendship can be ruined if I ever tell them about my feelings, I take a deep breath, hold it in, and try to make sure that the obsession I feel will forever be locked deep inside my body and shall never reveal from within. As all this is happening, by the way, not a soul is noticing this internal chaos of mine because I have a huge smile across my face and am becoming “buddy buddy” with whomever I have this deep crush on.

As I become “the cool chick friend” and one of “the guys”, watching sports, drinking beers, talking about OTHER GIRLS… I am actually crushed, to the very core of my body, heart, and mind.

Don’t worry, I am a cheerful person.

I DO manage to get over it fairly quickly.

I DO manage to mend my broken heart (without them knowing of course);

…and most importantly I DO manage to find charm in another man, and the CYCLE begins again……

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.