Crush – Fantasize – Fear – Crushed

…that’s my cycle.



Photo by Aldo Jeffrey

 If it is true that all things in life exist in a cycle, then this vicious, ferocious one is mine.

Looking back at all my “love stories”, I realize that I am doomed destined to be alone. NO! it’s not because I’m picky… it’s because…..um…. well… I can’t quite pin point the reason yet but it’s NOT because of that!

I often find myself sequencing though these four horrific stages (sometimes even bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball). And the result is always constant – I end up going home alone to my comfy queen size bed with my 5 comfy pillows.

CRUSHing on someone is on of my expertise. My usual targets are my friends. Bad, Bad choice, I know. Somehow I am most capable in finding charm within men that I already feel close and safe around. I’m a Taurus. Yes.

Then I flirt, and knowing that I’m not all that bad looking and that I am a good and sweet person, they always flirt back. Right then and there, I immediately dive in and become so involve in my imaginary world of love and perfection that somehow I have come to believe in my delirium that he wants me too. I FANTASIZE about how perfect of a couple we will be…in every single way. *cheese*

Reality hits when every part of our “relationship” seems to be clips of different scenes from the movie He’s just not that into you. Forcing me to recognize that WHOA... I’ve been making all this attraction bullshit up this WHOLE TIME! Whether if the guy really does like me or not that is.

Random fact about LP: I am a people pleaser. Always have been, and always will be. So FEARing that our friendship can be ruined if I ever tell them about my feelings, I take a deep breath, hold it in, and try to make sure that the obsession I feel will forever be locked deep inside my body and shall never reveal from within. As all this is happening, by the way, not a soul is noticing this internal chaos of mine because I have a huge smile across my face and am becoming “buddy buddy” with whomever I have this deep crush on.

As I become “the cool chick friend” and one of “the guys”, watching sports, drinking beers, talking about OTHER GIRLS… I am actually crushed, to the very core of my body, heart, and mind.

Don’t worry, I am a cheerful person.

I DO manage to get over it fairly quickly.

I DO manage to mend my broken heart (without them knowing of course);

…and most importantly I DO manage to find charm in another man, and the CYCLE begins again……

Bisous,

Lady Papillon

Real Love. Real Rants.